Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Impoverished Middle Class “Companion” Seeks Ailing Benefactress

Do you detest the crass informality of senior centers and group homes? Do you dread the institutionalized indignity of a “senior care facility?” Do you long for the bygone days when educated middle class existed only to serve the whims of the aristocracy? Why then, dear lady, I have a modest proposal for you:

You: Independently wealthy, elderly lady between the ages of 75 and 95, preferably residing in an elegantly decaying mansion, furnished with a Victorian hodge-podge of priceless artifacts, (many of which will be entailed to me in you last will and testament.) In order to expedite my inheritance, you will be wasting away due to some quaint, yet ultimately terminal disease, such as consumption. You are of good old Anglo-Saxon stock, are extremely well educated and have had a lifelong love affair with the printed word, but, alas! Because of your cataracts you are no longer able to read you beloved collection of antique tomes without assistance.

Me: Likewise highly educated, bright, well behaved and well spoken young lady, with excellent diction and a lovely speaking voice, twenty three yeas of age, who is, in spite of my many attractive attributes, underemployed, saddled with debt and, for all practical purposes, starving to death.

Let’s get together for long afternoons spent in your parlor (me on the settee, you in your priceless antique wheelchair), sipping the finest English teas, and devouring watercress sandwiches as I read aloud the great classics of Chaucer, Milton, John Donne, Bunyan, and Spenser. If I’m feeling saucy, I may sneak in some more radical works, by the likes of Dickens, Thackeray, Austen or Keats, which you will tolerate, although they may offend your strict sense of class and propriety. In return I will be provided with a modest stipend, and (of course) ample provision in your afore mentioned last will and testament.

I look forward to a response from you, my dear lady. Please send your reply to this advertisement through the post with haste, for I am but a poor girl without friends or connections in a great and cruel city. Please do not force me to resort to less genteel forms of solicitation for my survival. Thank you.


Blogger Your Arsenal said...

I just had to comment on this one. I signed up for a blog just for you (and I have a thing with blogs so feel loved).
Oh.. and I'm not olderly nor rich so don't get excited.

First, have you read Broken For You? It's sold millions of copies and Oprah has given it her blessing. And it's boring as hell (my opinion, my opinion). But it does really touch on all these points that you outline in this blog entry, and its set in our contemporary day, and it even takes place in Seattle (oh yay!). I think this is a distorted book recommendation, I'm not really sure.

Second, there is really an epidemic of educated young girls who feel gifted and important enough to sit at the feet of aristocracy, and feel they deserve to be well taken care of, but they don't feel strong enough to push there way up to the top themselves. Oh no, this is not a critique, this is a statement of sisterhood. Why should I have to get my hands dirty, I mean really. I think society had better figure something out for us, and fast.

If I had a dollar for every time I've had this conversation with an equally-ranked young lady, I would have at least 38 dollars. All we need is one rich lady! Or man, I'm not ruling anything out. Can we make a pact and if one of us finds anyone, we share? That's not as romantic as being a pet favorite, sitting in seclusion while the rich and eccentric woman wastes away and feeds us sandwhiches, but there is so much need, so much need, so much.

Let me know.


11:38 AM  

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